Two Feet on the Ground

Today was my Chrismation.

There are so many feelings coming at me.  I feel like I belong to God more than ever right now.  Like I am really and truly HIS.

And I want to get married even more than ever now.

And I am prepared for the wait.

But I am said that I will have to wait.  And I want to love this crazy single time in my life.  And I know I’ll miss these years.

But I still want to love my husband.  To have someone get to know me as much as God loves me (even if he will fall short of Him).

Lord, you know my heart.  Teach me to love you.

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Poem: Life is a Dirge

Life is a Dirge
10/15/2015

In times as these, when a dirge could
be a joyous song of dance,
I wish I could fall over.
I wish I could be alone.
When I go into the world
My fears overcome me.
My doubts overtake me.

I am alone.  Completely alone.
I want to cry and cry and cry.
Be a cry-baby.
My dad is gone.
Not completely departed — not dead.
But honest, more often than not,
It feels like he is truly gone.

Dad doesn’t understand me.
His life is all about Objectivism.
He is a highly sensitive person.
This is why people don’t understand
Him.
But — if only — he could go back to
being my Dad,
My Dad as my rock.

Perhaps someday in the future
When Dad and I are brother & sister
Under God in Heaven,
I’ll see that God is my rock,
God is my father.
And perhaps life is but a dirge in the end.

Joy to the World: Choose Joy

I have my liturgical seasons all messed up.  During Advent, I am so sorrowful, that I often pray the Stations of the Cross.  During Lent, I am finally ready for Jesus’ birth and I’m so excited for Christmas.  I have been reflecting on joy lately.  I have been asking myself exactly what joy is.  Is it happiness?  Is it self-fulfillment?  Is it peace?  Is it continuous or fleeting?  I decided to listen to Fr. Mike Schmitz’ podcast from 11/27/2016 and wanted to share an extremely pertinent section with you…7:05-8:45

…they [Roman gods] don’t care about you at all.  None of them love you.  And so the thing that you want if you are a Roman, you want the gods to ignore you.  Because if the gods pay attention to you, they’ll just as soon punish you as they will bless you.
And then along comes Paul, and he says, ‘actually, there is a True God, there is a Real God.  One.  And He is Powerful and He made all that Is.  But here’s the great thing — He’s also Good.  And not only is He Good, He cares about you.  He doesn’t just care about you, he loves you.’
How much does He love me, Paul?
‘He loves you — literally loves you to death.’  In fact, a couple chapters before this, St. Paul says, he says, ‘God proves His love for us in this.  That while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Now, imagine going from this one worldview to this other worldview.  The one worldview which is like, the best you can hope for is for some pleasure and some power.  The best you can hope for is for the happenstance of happiness.
And all of the sudden you realize, wait a second!  There is One God, and He is Powerful, and He actually knows my name!?  He actually cares about me!?  He died for me when I was still helpless!?
This is why we can have joy in the world.  This is how Christianity introduced joy to the world.
Because, what is joy?
This is what joy is: it’s not just being happy, it’s not just having pleasure.  It’s this: the abiding and pervasive sense of well-being.
NOT up to chance.  NOT up to happenstance.  NOT up to the fate.
But an abiding sense that there is a God, and He knows my name.
– 7:05-8:45

Please–go listen to the whole podcast and the whole “Joy to the World” Series.

So long!
❤ Veronica

On Human Love

What is human love?

And why do I crave it so deeply?  Why is God’s love not enough?  Why do I want something so fragile, so fleeting, so frail, so vulnerable, so delicate… so breakable, so limited, so brief.  Why do I want a man’s acceptance of me?  Why do I want a man to hold me, to love me, to care for me, to know me?  Do I somehow think that God is not enough?  Am I afraid that since His love is not visible in the strangely material way a man’s love might be, that He loves me less?

Is love something that we see?  Or is love an action, a choices, a decision?  Is love a series of choices, of decisions, of actions?  Are these what transform someone into a being a loving person?

Maybe.  God is ultimate love though, because He not only created us, but gave His LIFE to redeem us.  What I want in the intimacy with a man, the union that brings forth a child, is the same love God has for me as His creation.  What I want in a man to be known and protected and cherished and loved is the same love God has for me, only His love is deeper, and stronger, and greater, and complete.  He knew of my weaknesses, yet He chose to love me then on the cross, and He loves me still.  He knows of my wounds and holds me close in a Fatherly embrace.  He doesn’t just “put up” with me, He cherishes me as a daughter, as a pearl, as a valuable treasure, as a little lost sheep, and as a sinner who falls again and again and again.  His Love is never self-seeking, but always sacrificial, a gift of Himself to me.  His end-goal is abundant life for me.

I accept You.  I accept You, and I accept Your Ways.  Your Ways are not my own.  Your Ways are higher and grander and complete.  I trust You.

Jesus, I Trust in You. -JMJ-

 

– Veronica

The In Between

These in between years are hard.  Being open to what God has in store while still planning to be alone.  It’s that time between womanhood and motherhood, after you’ve reached your five year plan again and again. When you want a baby and a husband, but you settle for a dog and Netflix.

I wonder if I’ll ever be fulfilled and completely happy.  I know my heart was made for God and for Heaven.  Sometimes it seems that as good as life is I just can’t imagine what it will be like if I get everything I “want.”  Is what I “want” really what is good for me?  Am I like a little child with the “want” to stuff her face with candy, only to go to bed early with a tummy ache?  How can I trust that God knows my “wants” and will fulfill these “wants” in the most perfect way?

This in between time is strange.  I wonder what it is that I am learning.  What is this time preparing me for?  What skills am I gaining that will be crucial to my life as a wife and mother?  Surely I am learning patience.  Surely I am learning trust.  I am strengthening my relationships with other women — women of all ages, in all stages in their lives.  I am learning what it means to trust Him, to lean on Him, to let Him embrace me.  I am learning the difference between my “wants” and His gifts.  His gifts are always better but sometimes they require courage.  Sometimes it requires courage to take the gift He gives.  Of course I want it… it’s a present!  But the surprise, the unknown, the fear that He does not know me well enough to give me something I will enjoy and learn from can be hard to overcome.  In these moments, I must be courageous, and know that God is a good, good father with all of the best intentions for me in His heart.  He knows the ways that He is forming me into a better woman, a better friend, a better student, a better listener, a compassionate citizen.

Lord, I will eagerly and courageously unwrap this gift you are giving me.  I will embrace it and play with it and learn from it.  This is the gift you are giving me now, a gift I will look back fondly on in years to come.

Lord, I accept the gift of these in between years.

School

Where do I begin.

So much to do.  Add on family and work and extra activities… Don’t forget God… And you feel like you’re running in 20 directions. 

God, I surrender.   I give it all to you.  Take my worries and problems and school stresses and hold them while I sleep.  Grant me a restful and energizing night’s sleep so if you grant me the grace to wake tomorrow, you’ll find me your faithful servent.  Give me back only the worries and school stressed you want to give me and the rest can be forgotten.  Heal my confused heart and show me your love.  Amen. 

“If” by Rudyard Kipling… and a rant

If
by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head
when all about you men are losing theirs
and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
but make allowances for their doubting, too.

If you can wait but not be tired of waiting,
or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
and yet don’t look too good nor talk too wise,

If you can dream but not make dreams your master,
If you can think and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with triumph and disaster,
and treat those two imposters just the same,

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
and stoop and build them up with worn-out tools,

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss,
and lose and start again at your beginnings
and never breathe a word about your loss,

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
to serve your turn long after they are gone,
and to hold on when there is nothing in you
but the will that says to them “hold on,”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
or walk with kings nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
if all men count with you but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
with 60 seconds worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
and which is more, you’ll be a man, my son.

 


I spoke the words to this poem at my high school graduation.  My parents were there and so were my sisters.  It was such a hard time.  So difficult.  So confusing.

I am reminded of that time tonight as I sit and reflect on the words my dad wrote over at his own blog.  He says that marriage and commitment are to trap someone and prey on fear.  He seemingly worships Ayn Rand and her “Objectivism.”  He wrote, “…the purpose of morality, she argues, is to teach us what is in our self-interest, what produces happiness.”  No, Dad, that is not the purpose of morality.  Where and how could you have strayed so far?  You say that “Man is an end in himself” but where does that come from?  How are you so hurt that you don’t understand anything.  Why aren’t you the dad I once knew?

I miss you dad.

I miss your clean-shaven face.  I miss the good-night tuck-ins.  I miss your interest in me.  I miss knowing that you loved mom unconditionally.  I miss you taking out the spiders and letting me be your little girl — something you promised me… something you promised me even when I didn’t want it when I was a teen.  I can’t even enjoy knowing that you would take care of a stupid spider for me.  You made me grow up too soon.  Too fast.  I crave the comfort I once found from trusting you and knowing that you loved me and would never change.  Is that too much to ask for?  The certainty of a father’s love?  Is that too much to ask for from the commitment of marriage that YOU MADE before you even brought me into this world?  Is it?

The tears are welling up in my eyes.  I am so afraid of how your actions and your weaknesses will impact my future.  Your wishy-washy-ness makes it hard for me to trust God as my father.  It makes it so difficult to believe that He loves me, the He cherishes me, that He wants me.  I don’t even believe that God wants me.  So often I am caught up thinking that He just “puts up” with me or “deals” with me.  Not that I am a precious pearl in His sight.  That I am His creation that He loves and delights in.  How can someone delight in me when you, my own father, don’t any more.  How can I trust God to delight in me when someone I thought I knew so well just walks out.

The hurt is still so raw.  It is still there.  There is still suffering, still pain.  Still sadness.  Still agony.

Recap of last semester…

Well, I dropped my Photography Digital 2 class last semester.  It was too much.  Too, too much.  Too weird.  Not beautiful anymore.

I successfully completed the rest of my classes.  All A’s!  I also began tutoring for 3 hours per week for English.  I enjoyed that very much.

The boy I liked I started visiting at work.  He was taking a semester off, so I still wanted to see him.  I was excited beyond belief when I learned he was coming back this semester.  However, in January, we spend a few hours together at an event.  I came out of that event feeling very uneasy.  I thought I liked him.  And although I cared about him still, there were too many things about him that reminded me of my dad.  Not necessarily bad things.  But it still made me uneasy.  I prayed about it so much.  Eventually, I decided that I didn’t think I liked him anymore.

I took a few weeks and really tried to discern what God was calling me to.  I had been on a dating website, but my profile status was “seeking friendship only.”  At the time that I made this profile status change, it was a good thing.  I was really trying to focus on school and I didn’t want my self-confidence to be dependent on a boy’s interest.  It was a time of growing and healing.  However, by the beginning of February, I was starting to feel like I was letting the profile status be a guard against people who could hurt me.  I might be interested in them, but purposefully friend-zone them just so that I could be in charge of allowing the relationship to be romantic.  It was a test; if you were okay being my friend, then I would want to date you.  I decided to break this barrier I had self-imposed.  I changed my profile status to “active” on Valentine’s Day.

A couple days earlier, a guy filled out my interview questions.  I thought he was nice, but I didn’t reply to him.  So on Valentine’s Day, I decided to go through all my potential “matches.”  I said I was interested in the match with him.  He is sweet and kind.  I feel peaceful about our relationship.  But I can’t shake the feeling that he might be talking to other girls.  I keep reminding myself, “Of course he is allowed to talk to other girls.  You are browsing other guys.  Nothing is formal, nothing established.”  Yet, I feel jealous.  I am afraid I am not good enough.  That when we meet next week, he won’t find me interesting or good or whatever.  My scars and wounds make me afraid.

I put all my hope on the truth of your promise. I steady my heart on the ground of your goodness.”  Lord, you are so good to me.  Whatever you have in store for me, I trust.  Even in spite of myself, I trust.  You are transforming me into trust.  You are so good to me.  I trust in your promise.  You have promised to prosper me and not to harm me; you have promised to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

Jesus, I Trust in You!  You are so good to me.

First Week of School

It’s my first week of school!  I’m taking five classes, in addition to an independent class I decided to sign up for this week.  So 18 Credits.

Digital Photography 2: I have the same teacher as last semester, from Film Photography 2.  He’s a good teacher and pushes us to do excellent work.  The only thing is that I feel like photography (and art in general) is all about how to make your work weirder than the last person’s work.  And this annoys me.  So I hope I make it through this semester while keeping my integrity of beautiful artwork.

Macroeconomics: This class hasn’t started yet… it will start in two weeks.  And I’m perfectly fine with that.  No need to start it — ever!

Organizational Behavior: I think this will end up being a good class.  The teacher is funny and mom-ish, which I like.  She talks to herself, which I do as well.  But I don’t think the coursework will be bad at all.

Intro to Computer Graphics: This teachers literally said, “I’m not your mom.  I don’t want to hear if you’re coming to class, I don’t want to hear if you aren’t coming to class.  I don’t care.  Just do the work and show enthusiasm.”  OK!  I will 🙂  But he seriously seems decent and I think I’ll enjoy the class.

Apologetics: WOW!  In just one week, I’ve already learned so much!  This class is phenomenal and I’m really looking forward to this semester because of this class.

Independent Study: WordPress Websites.

So, that’s my life for the next several months.  I resolve to actually do my readings, be proactive with my homework, and spend my time wisely.  I will hang out with friends, but quietly excuse myself to study.

TTYL Soon.
Veronica

 

What I’ve Been Reading

Hey Y’all!  I send so many links of articles to my friends and I thought you all might want to read them too!

Here goes nothing… 😉

 

Written Word:

 

Videos:

  • I am not a science-y person in the least.  I barely made it through high school Biology and Physics.  And my college Chemistry class was a disaster.  But this video about how science actually PROVES an existence of God is remarkable.
  • If you’ve got some time to kill and want to watch Mark Hart, this is a great video about Thirsting for Truth.  It’s from Steubenville East 2016.
  • Wow!  Wow!  Wow!  That’s all I can say about this video from Christopher West (aka Theology of the Body Simplify-er).  Christopher explains about how the Theology of the Body illuminates the Mysteries of the Holy Rosary.  And it is amazing.  Seriously.  Go watch it.
  • One of my favorite songs: “If You Get There Before I Do” by Collin Raye
  • This is seriously one of the coolest things I’ve seen in a long time… Break dancers performing for Pope (now Saint) John Paul II!